Friday, November 28, 2008

Macrophenomenal Kobe

(Below is excerpted from Free Darko's The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac. It is about Kobe Bryant, from the chapter on "Master Builders", a group "For whom dominance has become a truism.")
Check the resume—it's absolutely impeccable. A 6'6" shooting guard with limitless physical tools, a hell-bent perfectionist, he works tirelessly to condition his body and enhance his game. He's fearless in the clutch, voraciously competitive, and serious to the point of bleakness.

You couldn't script a more stellar career, or offer up a stronger candidate for the league's all-around finest. And yet no superstar has cut a stormier path than Kobe Bean Bryant. Kobe may be the Great American Shooting Guard—and indeed, he has spent his whole life aspiring to this kind of abstract dignity. But just as Moby Dick defines our national literature despite its rollicking imperfections, Kobe's drives and desires have made him equal parts pristine legend and unwieldy mess of humanity.

Paired with Shaquille O'Neal, Kobe was supposed to bring on a new Lakers golden age—and he did, once Hall of Fame coach Phil Jackson stepped into the scene. However, Kobe and Shaq could not have been more different, and eventually clashed because of it. The world saw the three-peat, but inside the Lakers, tensions came to a simmer, especially when Shaq's conditioning and work ethic flagged. Many read this as Kobe's ego crying out, dying to take control of the team. But it was just as likely his deep-seated sense of justice.

A certain duality has always been present in his game: Kobe is both the league's smartest player and one of its most impulsive. Once, Bryant was a propulsive slasher with an uncommon midrange game. Now, when he's met by a defender, the curtain rises on an interaction of frightening detail and determination. Only Tim Duncan is as adept at milking every single square inch of space, in a precise, Terminator-like assessment of complex obstacles. But for Duncan, the action's near the basket, and the shots—aided by Duncan's height—tend to resolve into something fairly routine. Kobe, operating all over the floor, doesn't take the simple shot, throw up prayers, or gamble on his pride. He figures out how to make the impossible shot viable, going out of his way to demonstrate his superiority.

During the Lakers' lean years, Bryant struggled with his own inability to make an inferior team into a winner. In May 2007, after being ousted in the first round of the playoffs yet again, Bryant exploded, telling any and all media outlets that he wanted out of L.A. Rumors abounded, and several important-sounding meetings took place, but that fall Kobe was still a Laker. He was chummier than ever with his teammates, and had made a point of reaching out to Bynum, who suddenly blossomed, before being waylaid by injuries. The Lakers swung a one-sided deal for Memphis big man Pau Gasol and suddenly possessed the West's most imposing line-up, taking them straight to the Finals.

What exactly had happened between spring and fall? Had Kobe lost control, let out his frustration, and then thought better of it? Was it all a Machiavellian public relations coup on the part of Bryant, who ended up getting the help he wanted? Had he set foot in camp and instantly realized that Bynum was ready to contribute? Did he actually feel betrayed by the organization, emotionally wounded, or just irritated that they'd impeded his still-vital career?

We'll never know the real answer. But most likely, there's a grain of truth in all corners. And that's why Kobe Bryant would fascinate us even if he weren't the world's best basketball player. For in addition to his mastery of basketball—the kind of catch-all supremacy that's led him to pick up Duncan's bank shot—Bryant's also a study in what happens when the drives and desires of greatness fly off the rails and exposes all of its inherent contradictions. To his detractors, Kobe Bryant is Dracula: a spooky, inhuman being that gets s**t done. Starstruck fans regard him as the epitome of glitz, glam, and accomplishment. In truth, he's that most stormy, and mortal, kind of great man. If Shaquille O'Neal always represented Superman, then Kobe's been the Dark Knight: vulnerable, but all the stronger for it.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Oakley Blades: High Fashion, High Function

Without fail, every NBA season brings up some type of new fashion trend. AI came into the league in 1996 and made tatting up your entire body the most hardcore thing to do. Ever. A few years ago the extreme re-emergence of the headband made white guys look super goofy. Now NBA hippies who wear their hair long go for the Über metro hairband. The clear plastic face mask has been used to protect mugs for a few years now. But Rip Hamilton played so well with it on that he wears it to this day even without facial injury. Last year brought about a trend that has made sense. The Hexpad protection is all over the NBA and actually saves the asses of guys who get undercut on a layup and land in a death defying way. About three years ago brought on the completely useless and super feminine leggings that Kobe rocked super hard all year long. Thankfully Commish Stern banned these damn things even though shooting sleeves are still allowed in the league for some insane reason. At least nobody in the Association is wearing a goddamn long sleeve shirt under their uniform. That is left to this one idiot on the Oklahoma Sooners.

The early trend in this young NBA season has been the new eyewear that is starting to pop up. Amare got fingered in his eyehole at practice earlier in the year and started the safety trend of wearing super awesome Oakley Blades during the game.

Amare ditched the Blades for good when he torched the hapless Pacers without them in early November. Thankfully, Vladamir Radmanovic decided to cop STAT's style and moved forward with slamming his eyeball on Carmelo Anthony's finger so that he could wear his own Oakley Blades with a super sweet Blu Blocker tint. Dude, being able to see the court in full Blu Blocker effect has got to be some sort of huge advantage.

What's next? I'm guessing that super baggy necklines on jerseys will be all the rage by All Star Break.

I'll see you guys later. I gotta go make some money on the beach.

Thanksgiving Eve: Enjoy Seeing Assholes Tonight!

It's the strangest night of the year tonight on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. The one Wednesday of the year (unless New Years happens to fall on a Wednesday) where it's completely OK to get shithoused and hang out with people in your hometown who you would never bother making an attempt to see at any other time of year. It's a hometown/highschool reunion that you willingly participate in even though you probably derive very little enjoyment from the experience. And since you're back home away from your crappy starter home or shitty rented apartment, enjoy either crashing on your buddies mom's couch or on a hide-a-bed that your family still has in their house with the same He-Man sheets you remember from 4th grade that you made your mom buy because you wanted your new friend Jimmy to think you were cool and totally into He-Man even though you didn't own Castle Greyskull and actually enjoyed playing with your She-Ra Princess of Power and Prince Adam figures more than Cyclopes and Battle Cat (you fag). You know you're not getting "your room" because Aunt Millie and Uncle Bud are sleeping in there and they are old and deserve the comfort of your shitty old bed. Hopefully all Nextians are taking the Friday after Thanksgiving off from work because the only thing that makes this holiday any more strange after seeing hometown hero assholes on Wednesday and bullshitting with your uncles over the awesome Lions/Titans game on a hung over Thanksgiving is having to wake up and go to work on Friday, for fuck's sake.

Thanks to this excellent ONION article for the inspiration to write the same thing they did.

Artest is Nuts

Not that any of us really needed more evidence on this fact. So please enjoy an episode of Ron Artest: Behind the "Artist" (thanks to BallDon'tLie)

Friday, November 21, 2008

Crawford to the DUBZZZZ

You have probably already heard, but it looks like Jamal Crawford will be headed to the Warriors for Harrington. Is anyone else excited to get rid of that low % shooting, 3-ball hoisting ninja turtle? I sure am, and for an established scoring, 3-point swishing guard. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Wire Wednesdays: Racial Harmony

One of the great things about The Wire is the racially diverse cast. Blacks and whites getting along, what a novel concept. It also happens to be Obama's favorite television show. Speaking of that guy, what happened to all this change he preached? The only people that he is putting in his cabinet and on his staff are Clinton retreads. That is not why we elected him.

In the meantime enjoy the superior drunkenness of The Bunk...

Weekly Free Throw % update

It looks like Bilbo's (Raping Indiana) squad is currently holding down the last place spot for FT% in league We's Gots Next.

How do you plan on winning when punting a whole category?!?! hahahha.


Monday, November 17, 2008

Ghost/Aliens: Author Trey Hamburger on the Radio

Author Trey Hamburger was recently on the radio talking about Ghosts/Aliens:

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Michael Jordan Loses a Game of 1 on 1

"Don't be mad at me, I'm just too good for you. Y'all think I had this camp just so y'all could beat me?" That's what His Airness said right before he lost a game of one-on-one to Ariel Investments CEO and Chairman John Rogers at his "Flight School" basketball camp back in 2003. Thanks to Basketbawful for posting this video on their delicious website.

Drinking in Wisconsin: The Timmay/White Cocoa Edition

Some of you know that our friend Timmay grew up in Wisconsin. I read This Article in the New York Times which gave me some more insight into why Mr. Rogers is the way that he is. Could it be because minors are allowed to drink in bars?

EDGERTON, Wis. — When a 15-year-old comes into Wile-e’s bar looking for a cold beer, the bartender, Mike Whaley, is happy to serve it up — as long as a parent is there to give permission. “If they’re 15, 16, 17, it’s fine if they want to sit down and have a few beers,” said Mr. Whaley, who owns the tavern in this small town in southern Wisconsin.

Does his disdain for authority stem from the lenient drinking and driving laws that Wisconsin offers?

Drunken drivers in Wisconsin are not charged with a felony until they have been arrested a fifth time. Wisconsin law prohibits sobriety checks by the police, a common practice in other states.

I went to church with Tim once and he brought in a 12er. I thought he was crazy but now his actions make a little more sense.

In Wisconsin, people often say, there is always a bar around the next corner. But drinking is scarcely limited to taverns. A Friday fish fry at a Wisconsin church will almost surely include beer. The state counts some 5,000 holders of liquor licenses, the most per capita of any state, said Peter Madland, the executive director of the Tavern League of Wisconsin.

I hope we all feel like we now know a fellow Nextian just a little bit better. And that is a good thing.

Kobe with Jackass

Here's one of those "viral" videos that Nike put out to celebrate the release of The Hyperdunks. This is a strange & entertaining look into what Kobe considers cool and funny:

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Sheed's new tattoo...

If you got a tattoo of your daughter, would you make her cans that big? Crazy points for team Jerk Store!

Friday, November 14, 2008

Had to post this, it's a classic......

....Look at young Jim Rome calling Jim Everette, Chris Everette, as in the female tennis player. Jim Rome sure has some balls, as I'm sure Jim Everette would kick the living sh*t out of him......wait, I can't tell if he does, the video stops!

In other News:

The Dow Jones plunges on reports of the Dow Jones plunging....haha, the Onion.

Your Weekend Movie: Hoop Dreams

Thanks to things like Nextflix/Blockbuster and watching movies is easier to do than ever before. So please take 2 hours and 51 minutes of your time this weekend to watch a few kids obsess about the NBA in the classic documentary Hoop Dreams (thanks to TrueHoop for the idea).

Greatest Draft Ever

I got this idea from an article on ESPN (not Simmons Had, don't worry).

In 20 years, which draft will be considered the greatest ever? The article narrowed it down to three: 1984, 1996 or 2003.


#1 pick: Hakeem "The Dream" Olajuwon

#3 pick: Michael Jordan

#5 pick: Charles Barkley

#16 pick: John Stockton


#1 pick: Allen Iverson

#5 pick: Ray Allen

#13 Kobe Bryant

#15 Steve Nash

#33 Moochie Norris


#1 pick: Lebron James

#3 pick: Carmelo Anthony

#4 pick: Chris Bosh

#5 pick: Dwyane Wade

For the record, my vote is 2003.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

2001 Sutter Home Shiraz

My favorite part of the day is when I get a student in my office caught drinking a 2001 Sutter Home Shriaz straight from the bottle during lunch. Best part about it is homeboy stole it from the liquor store from my school and it was all caught on tape. The tape was really funny. Wouldn't you steal something better?

Let's Get Political: Post Obama Syndrome

Hilarious video from The Onion. This may be what Timmay has been suffering from:

For those of you Devout Christians (Bilbo)

Look! It's okay to still be totally horny when you are long as you are only horny for your wife/husband. Guys show this link to your ladies, it will be sure to bring them out of that "I'm married now and don't have to give it up as much" funk!

how did i miss this

i love shaq pushing t-mac. yao even falls in slow motion.

first calderon and KG, now barnes and the rockets. my team is a bunch of badasses. all i need is nate robinson to flip out.

(apologize if the video doesnt work. cant f'ing figure out why.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Wire Wednesdays: Markwith has a bomb edition

This is pretty much what I imagine it is like everyday for Nextian Turd Ferguson. These scenes are from season 4 where The Wire takes on the failings of the Baltimore public schools. Pretty amazing that they got such a great group of child actors considering I had to watch Hayden Christiansen mess up Star Wars. They should have made Darth Vader black!

Boom-Dizzle and CB4 trying to be funny

Check out Bosh and Baron trying to be funny. They should probably stick to basketball.

Stephen Jackson For Mayor

Here's the excerpt on "Mayors" from the book I've been constantly touting. I'm trying to get a merchant link from Free Darko or Amazon so that I can make $4 when Jeff and Markwith buy it from The Nextians.

Why Melo Cut His Hair

If you haven't noticed, Carmelo Anthony cut his dredlocked do' for the start of this season (after a 2 game suspension from last year's DUI). Here is the reason why:

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

KG: Superdick

Thanks to Basketbawful for posting this video of KG being a bit too intense. One of the Raptors should have hauled off and hip-checked The Big Ticket. What a douche.

By the way, I heard this game was pretty incredible. I'm about three internal conversations with myself away from dropping $89.95 for the broadband league pass and never working past 4:30 pm again. What, come into work earlier to leave earlier? Are you crazy?

Rasheed Wallace Profile

Name: Rasheed Abdul Wallace

Spirit animal: Egyptian mongoose

What he gives us: A role player's attitude with a superstar's game.

Why we care: At some level, everybody wants to strangle somebody else.

Notable remark: "Some people say I'm mean and this and that. On one hand that's cool. That keeps away all the riffraff and all the bugaboos."

Distinguishing marks: On his right arm is a tattoo depicting Akhenaton, the pharaoh who introduced monotheism to ancient Egypt by worshiping the sun god Ra.

Knowledge seed with no jewelry on: After winning the 2004 NBA title, Rasheed made WWE-style belts for himself and his Pistons teammates.

While Kevin Garnett and Dirk Nowitzki are generally given credit for reinventing the power forward position over the past 15 years, Rasheed Wallace's contributions are too often overlooked. At a full 6 feet 11 inches, the incredibly athletic Wallace runs the floor like a guard and possesses an unblockable jump shot, with a range that's out past the 3-point line. And unlike many of the big men who have followed in his path, Wallace's skills aren't limited to the perimeter; he has a complete post game with an array of back-to-the-basket moves and is one of the best post defenders in the league. During one NBA on TNT broadcast, Charles Barkley and Kenny Smith flummoxed host Ernie Johnson by insisting that Wallace could be one of the top five players in the league if only he really applied himself.

Wallace's reluctant dominance made him a perfect fit for the Detroit Pistons, a team of ballsy, hardheaded vets whose swagger was a collective effort. When he arrived there in 2004, he found a team of kindred souls—a bunch of castoffs with boulder-size chips on their shoulders and enough resources to get them to the Eastern Conference Finals the season prior. Rasheed put them over the top, solidifying their interior defense and finally giving them a dependable offensive weapon in the post. More importantly, Chauncey Billups' early work in cultivating his reputation as "Mr. Big Shot," along with Ben Wallace's bulging biceps and throwback Afro, was more than enough to keep the attention off Rasheed. When the Pistons pulled off a shocking 4-1 upset of the Lakers to bring home the title and Wallace was celebrated as the missing puzzle piece who had made it all possible, it was a part he enthusiastically embraced. While he may not always be humble or servile, Sheed's greatest pride is reserved for team, rather than individual, success.

From: The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac

Weekly FT% Update

I'll start posting these every Tuesday on the blog for all the world to see.

Matt Hyland, a.k.a. Team Kwahl'Itee Shaughts is currently in last place in FT% with a whopping .733 percentage. His team is trying to rally around Dwight Howard, who went 13-20 from the line last night. Shaq managed to go 3-5, which is an improvement.

Matt, have your team watch this instructional video on shooting free throws with your eyes closed:

Monday, November 10, 2008

Brandan Wright is a Gelfling

By popular demand, I'm posting my theory that Branden Wright is in fact, a gelfling. I've added a couple more images to help prove my point:

Keep these images in mind the next time you watch B-Wright play.

Cool stuff on Ebay

This is my lastest purchase.

Maybe one day I'll give this to my son and he'll say "Who the hell is Chris Mullin?"

The Free Darko Book

Hopefully Amazon ships this thing soon because this book is going to be amazing. Here's page 1 of the Kobe excerpt:

New NBA Tattoo

One of our favorite NBA'ers just got a new tattoo. Thanks to the guys at Wizards Insider:

Arenas has decided to show his permanent support of President-elect Barack Obama with a tattoo. Arenas had the words "Change We Believe In" tattooed onto the fingers of his left hand in cursive writing. Then, Gilbert showed the outside of his pinky finger, which had "44" inked on it.

Arenas shortened Obama's campaign slogan, "Change We Can Believe In," choosing not to add ink to his thumb. Arenas has "change" written on the outside of his index finger; "we" on the inside of his middle finger; "believe" on the inside of his ring finger; and "in" on the inside of his pinky and "44" on the outside of his pinky. In case you didn't already know, Obama will be the 44th POTUS.

Arenas said he went down to Miami to have his favorite tattoo artist stitch him up after the Wizards arrived in Orlando late Friday night. He didn't explain how he got there -- Miami is an hour flight or three-hour drive from Orlando -- and I was too shocked by the tattoo to ask a follow-up question. All that I could say was, "You've got a lot of free time, don't you?"

Could Gilbert's hand-too be better than the current #1 seed in the NBA Tattoo department? Probably not but it sure sounds crazy.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Mr. Double Double (with cheese)

Thanks to Golden State of Mind for this lovely piece of artwork that I'm sure team White Chocolate will print out and thumb tack to the thumbtackable wall of his office cube that Tha Man so happily provides him. Timmay is the proud owner of the 12th ranked player in all of fantasy basketball, Mr. Andris Biedrins. Aside from long walks on the beach, Tim also enjoys looking at Andris' stats in between answering emails from his prospects and using the corporate credit card to buy beef jerky. The 6th round is a nice time to get a center who does nothing but put up double-doubles on a nightly basis. Two all-Latvian beef paties with special sauce, please!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Stack Jack for Mayor

You heard it here first. Stack Jack makin' love to pressure all the way to City Hall:

Nextians at Dubs Game: 11/7/08

4 Nextians manned/sacked up and made their way to rOracle for the Warriors vs. Grizzlies game. The Dubs looked to avenge their loss in Memphis earlier in the week and our crew was doing all it could to cheer the Wardogs to victory. Props to Matt, Toomie, Bilbo and yours truly (Cammish) for making time for fun.

Bilbo emptied his closet and outfitted the crew in Warriors Jerseys. Matt got the Stack Jack jersey, I rocked the 15 year old Spree Jersey, and Jamesbo kicked it with the Mullin retro. Cammish/I got up in the aisle during one of the timeouts and made it onto the flex cam. Why do I keep posting photos of myself wearing tank tops when my pipes are about as undefined as when I was a toddler? Some questions are better left unanswered.

The light beers were tasty, the tailgate doggs on Bilbo's mini-Q were delish, and the fun had was scrumptious. But no matter how hard we cheered, drank, or flexed our biceps we could not will the Warriors to victory. Well, at least Anthony Randolph got in the game and looked pretty solid.
We had such a good time that we promised to throw another Nextians event soon. Clear your schedules because there's NBA shenanigans to be had.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Let's Get Political

I have a good idea on the political beliefs of most Nextians. Let's just say that we are very diverse and a few of us are some weird ass mofos.

Tuesday's Election obviously brought out a lot of emotion from many people. If you weren't emotional in some way (good or badd) then there's obviously something wrong with you. Either that or you're a robot/machine. Sex Machine? I digress.........

I was reading THIS ARTICLE in the NY Times which immediately caused me to youtube Oprah's show where she's prentending like she's not praying for a cabinent position and hunt for the clip of the infamously oblivious Sherri Shepherd of Barbara Walters' "The View" fame.

Unintentional Comeday Scale: 9/10 at least. Crazy Points? 8/10

Sherri Shepherd saying that she liked Palin because she also has a child with needs is like Matt saying that he supported McCain because they are both bald. No Limitations!!!

Epic Game Ending 11/6/08: HOU v POR

This game was on National TV so I'm guessing that all Nextians saw what happened. Well, everyone but Anthony, Pablo and Hinkey who don't like watching awesome basketball games and would rather be playing indoor softball or bowling with funny clothes on. This re-cap is for them. Take a look at the last 41 seconds of OT in this SportsCenter recap: T-Mac's double-clutch, Roy's turn around with 1.9 left, Yao's 20 foot and-one, and Roy's 35 foot game winner with 0.8 left.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

Association Pictures and Observations: 11/5/08

Stevie Franchise showing his support.........while not suiting up again.

Pretty cool picture of D-Wade taking Iggy off of a Udonis pick. But I'm more mystified by the lack of crowd in Miami. Where are all of their awesome fans in white t-shirts we saw back in '06?

Do you think K-Mart always throws the Bugs Bunny teeth while dunking?

KG knows that "ANYTHING'S POSSIBBBBBLLLLE!" and endorsed the President Elect on his sneaks.

Wow, here are some good game faces from B. Wright and JR Smiff.

If you take away the old/new basketball in Bosh's left palm it looks like Chris and Rasheed are dance-fighting the Capoeira.

It's official: Birdman is not a good NBA ballplayer as Biedrins owned him last night. Thankfully, his tatoos are epic.

Shaq asked Kobe how is ass taste. Baron drops the follow up jam titled "Kobe, How My Nutz Taste?"

K-Mart is about .4 seconds away from getting slapped in the face by AB.

I love how Amare is wearing Oakley Blades during the games this year. So fresh. A shout out to the excellent Pacer defense last night (Amare went for 49).

Another Reason to Love Arenas

Aside from his wacky personality and exceptional ballin' skillz, the lengendary Gil-Zero I shoes by Adidas complete Gilbert's legacy as an all around basketball icon for the ages.

We all know that becoming a legend on the basketball court is 50% skill, 25% personality and 25% shoes. And Gilbert Arenas and his Gil-Zero I's do not disappoint. OK, I know the Gil-Zero II's kinda suck because they only made them in lowtops and there is actually a Looney Toons version but the G-I's are classic. Heck, even Jordan made a badd shoe every now and then.

So if you are in need of some new kicks, join your Cammishoner and pick up a pair of Gil-Zero's in your preferred colorway at Eastbay dot com. If you purchase from THIS LINK I'll make 5% since I just signed this humble blog up as an affiliate of Eastbay. I have two pairs of the Gil-Zero Juans and they are the most stunning and durable hoops kicks I've ever owned. Enjoy owning your opponent on the court!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Iverson Talkin' Bout Practice Again

Joe Dumars averaged 4.7 assists per game during his illustrious 14 year career. He set AI up nicely here at his first press conference as a Detriot Piston:

If AI is in Detroit making jokes, why the heck can't Chauncey Billups make it out to rOracle tonight to play with his new team as they lose to the Warriors? Methinks there's something going on in the Billups camp with this trade.

Highest Paid Sportsman in the World is..........

NOT Tiger Woods, it is Lewis Hamilton. Who the F'n hell is Lewis Hamilton you ask? He is a 23 year old Formula 1 driver who just won the World Championship race. And, he is boning the lead singer from Pussy Cat Dolls. Son of a bitch....all this at 23! What a limey bastard. Well, I'm happy for him, but he probably still has jacked up grillz!
"Lewis Hamilton will become the world's highest-paid sportsman after becoming the youngest driver to win the Formula One world championship last night.

The 23-year-old Briton can expect to earn a minimum £100million a year following one of the most exciting finales to a race the sport has ever witnessed.

This far eclipses the £31million that David Beck ham earned last year and even surpasses the £72million earned this year by Tiger Woods."

Wire Wednesdays: Election Day

The following scene comes from season 4 of the Wire when they shifted from tackling the war on drugs to focusing on politics and the education system. It features Dennis "Cutty" Wise, reformed muscle for the local drug trade, jogging through the streets of Baltimore(to a sweet jam) and witnessing the events of that day's local election.

Monta Could Ask For Release

Sports Writer for the SJ Mercury News Tim Kawakami usually has a good read on the internal happenings of Warriors management and players. I just hope he's wrong about Ellis in This Blog Post.

If Warriors new President Robert Rowell flexes his muscles and tries to void Ellis' contract if and when he comes back simply because Rowell doesn't think Monta is playing like the $60 Million Man they signed, the Dubs would be digging themselves a huge hole for many years. If this happened, why would any major free agent ever want to come to Tha City and play at rOaracle with management like this? And where is GM Chris Mullin in all of this?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Nextians Book Club, Installment 1

Installment #1 in the Nextians Book Club comes to us from author Trey Hamburger. Trey brings us a true story of his recent struggles with ghosts/aliens stemming from a floating Hot Pocket incident his friend Derek had. It's a magical tale much like the one of his cousin Robert Hamburger who released the controversial "Real Ultimate Power" adventures detailing the feats of ninjas and rhinos some four years ago.

Please read the recent press release by Trey and enjoy his masterpiece. Available on Amazon.

Dear amigos and amigas,

I have discovered some major shit.

And it has something to do with Ghosts/Aliens. Now wait, before you start scoffing, think about it for a second. There has got to be some shit out there that nobody can explain. And I’m not talking about the two guys who went looking for UFOs, discover a pick-up truck FULL of Mexicans, and ended up getting into a huge fight. I’m talking about REAL Paranormal Activity.
Maybe you never realized you were searching for something like that, but consider this: What about the time you heard some dude moan and there were no moaning dudes around? Or what about the time you were at a stop light, and you saw this owl just sitting there, and it mouthed your name.

At this point you might be asking why someone like myself has suddenly acquired an intellectual curiosity after a lifelong passion for non-intellectual endeavors, like jerking my gherkin. Well, listen to this. Me and Mike Stevens have interfaced with a dude who might be from another dimension, or India. And if that doesn’t convince you, Derek Wood is willing to give personal testimony that he has witnessed a TELEPORTING HOT POCKET.

I have collected my studies over the past week titled GHOSTS/ALIENS so you guys will have proof of what I’m talking about. (I’m not a dude who just says stuff. Trust me, if I were making this shit up, I would be saying it was 10 Hot Pockets Floating, NOT ONE.) If you want to help out, then check out for combat tips and end-times notices. Also, if you have a buddy that might be interested in this type of thing, make sure to tell them too.

Thank you and farewell,

Trey Hamburger, amateur scientist/pressure-point expert “cousin” of Robert Hamburger email:

P.S. If you don’t hear from me again, I’m probably stuck in a trans-dimensional cheese web.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Iverson for Billups

As you all have hopefully heard by now as serious SportsCenter and NBA addicts, The Nuggets traded Allen Iverson (White Chocolate) to Detroit for Chauncy Billups (Jerk Store), Antonio McDyess (available on waivers!), and some loser. With Iverson's contract being over at the end of this year, Dumars is setting his position up nicely for "The Summer Of Lebron" where at the conclusion of the 2010 season the following ballaz will be free agents:

LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, Amare Stoudemire, Ray Allen, Tyson Chandler, Manu Ginobili, Richard Jefferson, Joe Johnson, Tracy McGrady, Yao Ming, Steve Nash, Dirk Nowitzki and Michael Redd

Meanwhile, the Nuggets are getting the wiley veteran Chancey Billups who can figure out how to pass the ball to Melo (Monta's Moped) and JR Smith (Raping Indy) more often. Cha-Ching!

So who is the winner in this trade? You may have an opinion but it's actually impossible to tell based based on normal things like "stats", "leadership" and "contracts". But if you break it down into more important factors, a clear winner is decided.

Category 1: Who is More Popular?
This is tough question for Nextians to answer as we all know AI and CB equally as well. Heck, I know that at least 4 of us have AI's rookie card, mint condition. But if you look at it based on what common folks think (aka "losers), you learn that Allen Iverson has had the 3rd best selling jersey of the last 10 years. Billups doesn't even crack the top 10. And being that jersey sales are a clear indication of popularity, AI gets the point in category #1.

Category 2: Who has the Best Shoes?
Both of these all-league PG's have had their own shoe for some time now. Albeit, AI has had "Tha Iversons" by Reebok since his rookie season while Billups has only been on Adidas for a few years now. But let's take a look at their recent models



Maybe this decision is personal since I wouldn't put a pair of Weeboks on my feet to play basketball if my adult league title depended on it. But I think it is obvious choice here are the Chauncey Adidas. Score tied: 1-1.

Category 3: Who earns more Nextian Crazy Points?

Billups is a pretty normal dude. I couldn't find anything "crazy" in his past other than being a perfect gentleman and a championship ring owner. After going through 184 pages of Google Images the "worst" picture I could find of CB was this one of him looking happy in the NBA finals:

Meanwhile, AI has been arrested many times. He beats people up, has been involved in drug deals, and makes rap albums that he can't release because they are too raunchy (check out the song "40 Bars" by "Jewels" on the link):

The all important Crazy Points go to AI. Our winner is Allen Iverson of the new and improved Detroit Pistons!

What this amazing analysis shows us is that Detroit will come out much further ahead than Denver when this thing is all said and done. The evidence is undisputable. Congratulations to Joe Dumars and the city of Motown.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Nextians of Halloween

It was great to see so many Nextians out on All Hallows Eve. Had (Jerk Store) caught me (Cammish) on Vallejo Street walking the dog while wearing half of my douchebag costume. I then moved on to Nextian Anthony Rossi's pad (Pablo's Co-Manager of 5 Brothers) for a light beer centric pre-party. Pablo "Escobar" Fitting was representing his hometown of Medallion, Columbia:

Toomy (Strange Range) was crushing beer cans and shooting them into the recycling bin all night long:

Matt (Quality Shots) and I (Defending We Got Next! Runner Up) were in full effect in our My New Haircut attire. Matt represented the "Jaegah Bombs" sceen while I was all over the "Yeah I grunt when I get my swool on at the gym" outfit.

Tommy (Nudie Mag) and Cam (Monta's Moped) decided to be the same douchbag with MuscleMilk, night time sunglasses and tanner. We just wanted to show everyone how jacked and tan we were.

Anyone else have some solid pictures of themselves from Halloween? Let's see 'em.