Friday, July 9, 2010

LeBrand Leaves Cleveland

"This fall -- man, this is very tough -- um, this fall I'm going to take my talents to South Beach and join the Miami Heat"

-LeDouche/LeBrand/LeBrondamonium/King Crab

A tough decision? Wasn't this decision already made in 2007 when LBJ, D-Wade and CB-4 (that's Chris Bosh) all signed their mini-max deals to become free agents at the same time? Or as William J. Simmons points out, didn't the 2008 Gold Medal winning Team USA form an unbreakable buddy/buddy/buddy/buddy relationship between the now Miami Threeat/Miami Thrice and CP-3 who's contract expires at the end of this year? It's fully clear now that the "meetings" with other teams by The Miami Thrice were all for show.....literally! They had cameras following them around for a future "reality" program on the "decisions" being made. All of this culminated with The LeBacle last night.
The Freemason Prophecy is real! The pact is in force! We are 3/4ths of the way there!

LeBrand's hour long LeBacle Special last night was worse that the past 6 Favre summers and A-Rod's 2007 World Series hijacking to announce that he was going to the Yankees combined (I stole those thoughts from someone else....please don't credit me for being inventive). Mental masturbation at it's most disgusting. Yet I couldn't stop watching and neither could anyone else.

LeBron earned $2.5 million for The Boys and Girls Club ($500K of which was from the University of Phoenix in a hilarious on-air commercial at the end of the "special"), which was great. Also great were LeBron's terrible answers to interviewers Jim Gray's and Michael Wilbon's questions. Fortunately, we learned a few things: LeCrabdribble made his decision on Miami in his dreams the night before, he was looking forward to the free agency experience (what? didn't this end it?), and he never wanted to leave Cleveland (double-what??/I'm calling BS). BDL breaks down the hilarity and uncomfortable douche chills of The Decision Special HERE. All of this and he killed Cleveland forever.

As a society we always hold our sports stars in the highest regard and it angers us when they destroy our image of them (see: Woods, Eldrick). We turned our heads when LBJ wouldn't shake the hands of the Orlando Magic in '08 and when he stormed off the court and took off his Cavs jersey for the final time after the Game 6 loss this year to the Celtics. But even though TMZ isn't covering this debacle (some argue that ESPN's coverage of the fiasco is worse than TMZ) and even though a lot of money was generated for great causes, LeBrand jumped the everloving shark last night. And his "Team" was revving up the boat for LBJ's jump by starting a King James Twatter Account and launching his Crabness's website earlier in the week. On the level of arrogance LeBron has actually surpassed the most egomaniacal NBA'er of recent memory: Kobe Bryant. And that's saying something.

(Props to Basketbawful for the awesome cartoon)

Then things got interesting: Venom was immediately spilled by Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert on the team page of all places in an "artsy" Comic Sans font. This bitter girlfriend pukefest will forever be know as "The LeBron Letter" and speaks for an entire fanbase. LBJ Cavs 23 jerseys were burned in a LeBronfire in the streets of Cleveland adding to the flaming tire smell the city usually emanates, fans cried, fans yelled and all of Cleveland was pissed. Some say Gilbert's tirade should make one question The Cavs and somehow feel sympathy for LeBron moving on to Miami. But that's like going to the New York Times to get sports information (wait, that article was from the NYT.....never mind).

Get 'em while they're hot! LBJ Cavs Fatheads are going for an amazing sale price of $17.41. 1741 is the year that Benedict Arnold was born. Oh yeah, and Dan Gilbert owns Fathead. Hilarity continues!

Most owners are rich a-holes who are used to getting what they want. Although owners like Mikhail Prokhorov (Nets), Jerry Reinsdorf (Bulls), James Dolan (Knicks) and especially Donald Sterling (Clippers) were undoubtedly pissed and may have thought the same things as Gilbert, none of them said anything. But Gilbert's are fightin' words and his promise that the Cavs will win the 'ship before LeBron does is actually quite awesome. To have the guts to write those words, not matter how immature and unhinged it appears to be to fruitbags who write for the NYT, is actually quite awesome. A renegade owner with an enormous chip on his shoulder doing whatever it takes to win the Larry O'Brien trophy for his organization and the people of Cleveland before King Crab of Miami? Excellent drama. I only wish more owners had this kind of fire (see: Cohan, Chris).

Gilbert made a boatload of flow off of LBJ as the franchise is valued by Forbes to be worth $100 Million more today than it was when LBJ was first drafted in 2003. LBJ used Cleveland to win Rookie of the Year and back-to-back NBA MVP awards. He can do whatever he wants as that is the definition of "Free Agent". Joining a super team is his prerogative. Many people have left their hometowns to achieve bigger and better things. Blah blah blah.

But he didn't have to do this ill-conceived ESPN LeBrondamonium self promo narcissistic bullshit. Jordan didn't go on to play on the same team as Magic. LeBron obviously doesn't get it right now but he soon will. LeBrand's next season won't anything be like those of the past. The hatred that will be thrown his way in every city but Miami will be life changing. Forget your "billion dollars" and your positive brand. Everything you once knew is now gone. Will LeBrainless embrace the heel role with his buddies Dwayane and Chris? Because you aren't going to be the good guy hero anymore. Good luck out there on your island, King.


Hyland said...

This is hilarious indeed, but I believe it will blow over for the most part after next season. LeBron was a free fuckin Agent, and he chose what he wanted to do. That's it, that's all.....900 McTwist style. He did not need to make it so public though, this is correct. And that's how he effed his image the most. I would love to see Dan Gilbert make amazing signings in the next few years to try and build a super-team, just out of spite. If that happens, the NBA would be so great to watch...more than it is now. The Material for my animated NBA show keeps getting greater and greater. I really need to do that shiz.

The Nextian said...

Dude, the animated NBA scripts literally write themselves. Figure out that program and let's get rollin' !!