Wednesday, October 15, 2008

What I do all day

True Story.

So, it's 8:30 in morning and I am doing my daily sweep of the hallways to make sure that students have gotten to class and there are no kids screwing around. These sweeps usually take me to the bathrooms to check for new tags that I might recognize and kids lingering in the john to avoid class.

I usually walk into the bathrooms slow so I can catch kids tagging if they are choosing to do so. Going in slow also allows me to be silent and listen things kids are saying when they thing no one is listening. Today, I did my normal routine and sitting on the toilet in the stalls were my two favorite (in a makes life interesting kind of way) students - Juan and Juan Cabrera.

First of all, yes - their parents named them both Juan Cabrera - one is a 10th grader and another is an 11th grader. The both dress the same but are not twins. The funny part is we call the younger one Juan Jr. and the older one Juan Sr. They basically fuck around all day in classes and go to the bathroom as much as possible. One of their cronies recently picked up the new hobby of drawing penises in Biology class - which is fun for me to deal with.

So we have Juan Jr. and Juan Sr. in the stalls, and they can't hear me but I can tell it is them by their voices and their shoes. These are kids who I know are taggers but I can never catch them. So, I sit and listen secretly to them for a while while they happily drop loads while they should be in in class. Remember, school starts at 8:00 and these guys are pinching loaves at 8:30 next to each other in the stalls chatting away.

So, the I am listening, waiting to see if I can catch them doing something and their topic of conversation wanders to whether it is better to shit at home or at school. I can't believe it but they actually start saying back and forth to each other that they prefer to shit at SCHOOL rather than at HOME. I don't know about the Nextians in this bunch, but I always preferred to shit at the Markwith house than at school. I mean, some of the most traumatizing moments of middle school was when I was trying to crap as fast as I could because the stalls didn't have doors and I didn't want scary Mexican gang members trying to jump me while I was wiping my ass.

So they decide upon the notion that shitting at school is better, mostly because no one bothers them and they can both crap at the same time since their is only one bathroom at the house. Again, this conversation is happening while I am trying to be as quiet as a mouse to catch them tagging. Finally, as these guys start rustling around and I hear them say "pass the marker" and I think I have something on them. Then, I hear a noise that sounds like them writing on the bathroom stall. I am thinking to myself I am finally, after three years, going to catch these kids tagging.

Meanwhile, the stalls start to open and they see me standing there and they say "Hey Markwith, were you listening to us shit or something", and I say in my Vice Principal voice, "Of course not, but you are both coming with me".

I take them to my office and tell them to empty their pockets so I can find the pen they were passing back and forth to tag while they were shitting. As I am doing the search, Juan Jr. says "We said that stuff about them pen because we knew you were there...we don't even have a pen."

Sure enough - no pen and Mr. Markwith looks like an asshole. I had nothing on them, but now they get to go tell all their friends that Mr. Markwith listened to them take a crap on a Wednesday morning. But at least I learned that some kids actually like taking craps at school.


Monta's Moped said...

I was laughing and going "WTF?" at the same time while reading your post. I enjoy hearing about your daily adventures on poo-patrol.

So, you heard anything cool about the NBA recently?

Turd Ferguson said...

Don't hate.

What could be more connected to the NBA then two future criminals crapping instead of learning matematicas?

Hadleigh said...

You should call these guys Juan One and Juan Two because it is much funnier that Jr. and Sr.