The LeBrons

The "hilarious" The LeBrons commercial from a few years back has made it's way into animated form.



I'm pretty darn sure that the makers of The Boondocks took some time off form a show that's actually good to make this stanky piece of web 2.0 marketing veiled in cartoon form.  Bing, Gucci, Nike, HP, Intel, Sprite.  Good work taking over the world on the way to Billionaire-hood, LBJ.

LRMR's Creative Recruiting

LBJ has had quite a summer. Leaving Cleveland for the Talents of South Beach, the LeBacle, being a Stonecutter, forcing ESPN to pull an article about him partying and commenting on ladies' panties, recruiting Chris Paul.........the stupidity just won't seem to stop. But the most intriguing part of LBJ has been his involvement leadership in LRMR Marketing. Instead of working on his post game in the off season, LeBrainchild is more focused on expanding his global icon status and becoming a billionaire. And he does it by somehow being able to circumvent NCAA rules:

Brian Windhorst (LeBron expert) explains: "But if you're looking for something that doesn't make sense, it is the extreme double standard LRMR and LeBron James enjoy with the college and high school ranks. James is permitted to hold camps with high school and college players who will be pros in less than a year while at the same time he's basically recruiting them to sign with his agency. At the July Nike camp in Akron that has all the top high school players and college stars acting as 'counselors,' there are signs everywhere that agents aren't allowed in the building. Even college coaches aren't allowed there. But Maverick Carter, the head and chief recruiter for LRMR, is allowed to be there and have unchecked access to these players while James gives them free shoes and gets to know them and their families. Then nine months later his firm is trying to sign some of them to agent contracts. All of this while NCAA officials are literally sitting there in the stands supposedly monitoring that all the rules are followed. LRMR has not been taking advantage of this edge and has not been able to land many of its top targets over the last three years. This year it missed on John Wall after a very hard recruitment led -- it would seem illegally by NCAA standards -- by James."

The NCAA probably hasn't had to deal with too many NBA players tampering with their college players before. But when the NBA player literally runs his own Agency Marketing Firm? Seems to me like LRMR, especially James, needs a bit of a wrist slap for this one. Just further proof that LeBron is evil. But I can't wait to see him on the court! Miami Thrice!

LBJ Handlers Pull ESPN Story

The "Summer of Superdouche" continues to spin along out of control. The latest PR Debacle from the Maverick Carter led LeBron-a-Corp pulled down an ESPN Story posted earlier today. There was no explanation as to why it was taken down but ESPN has apologized.

But wait! Through The OG Nextian's amazing Internet scouring ability (there I go doucheilly talking about myself in the 3rd person again like King6 LBJ) I have FOUND THE STORY AND A PICTURE FROM THAT STORY! Actually, it wasn't that hard. But I now await legal action from LBJ's attorney. But no lame injunction letter from a lawyer will stop me from posting whatever I want! That is, until Google takes down The Nextians and suspends my account. Bring it on, SuperCorps. This entire blog is backed up on WordPress and on a 1T hard drive. The Nextians will never die. Anyway, enjoy the douche chilling article and peep some comments at the end:

LeBron James leans against a waist-high stone wall with a 16-foot-tall Buddha hovering over him.

He's at Tao, a bustling restaurant and nightclub inside the Venetian hotel and his arms are crossed as he listens to Lynn Meritt, Senior Director of Nike Basketball, and Charles Denson, President of Nike Brand talk.

James is quiet, occasionally applying Chap Stick on his lips and nodding his head when he hears something he likes.

Five security guards are stationed around him, one at each corner of the table he's about to sit at and another roving around with him, watching his every move. Anyone who takes two steps towards him is stopped and must have James' approval to come further.

The waiter bringing him his cup of green tea with a spoonful of honey and a dash of lemon juice makes the cut, as does the scantily clad brunette with a tattoo of a heart on her right shoulder.

She wants to take a picture with him. "I can't right now," says James. "Maybe later, upstairs, I'll remember you're the one with the tattoo."

James will host a party later in the upstairs nightclub at Tao, but he is currently hosting a dinner for his friends and family in the downstairs restaurant. Wearing a grey striped shirt and gold crucifix around his neck, he bobs his head to music played by an amped-up saxophonist who weaves his way around the table like a one-man mariachi band.

I have somehow found myself at this exclusive table, seated beside Eddie Jackson, who is introduced to me as James' father (though he actually began dating James' mother, Gloria, after LeBron was born and the two are no longer together). Jackson, wearing a muscle shirt accentuating his large biceps, looks like a member of James' four-man entourage, like one of his childhood friends.

James' circle includes Randy Mims, seated to his right at the center of the table, Maverick Carter, seated at the head of the table, and Richard Paul, seated in front of James. The quartet makes up the initials behind LRMR Marketing, the management firm James founded almost four years ago with his buddies. Their offices in downtown Cleveland gained notoriety earlier this month as the location teams flocked to for their meetings with James.

Seated to the right of James is Chris Paul, whose brother, C.J., is seated across from him. The New Orleans Hornets point guard reportedly has seen how James has positioned himself to win a championship by signing with the Miami Heat and joining forces with Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, and has reportedly considered a similar move himself.

The truth is, in James' dream world, the duo he would love to play with for the next decade would be Wade and Paul, his two closest friends in the NBA. Paul has been like a brother to James since the two were in Las Vegas four years ago for USA Basketball training camp, when as a rookie he carried James' and Wade's bags to and from the team bus.

James and Paul are fairly quiet at the center of the table as they take in the scene around them. As family style plates of miso-glazed Chilean sea bass and crispy lobster and shrimp dumplings are brought to the table, James effortlessly picks up the food with his chopsticks and occasionally raises his cup of green tea to passersby as they raise their martinis and mojitos in his direction before being helped along by security guards.

When trays of desert plates are brought over, James gets up, preferring to start his party upstairs instead of indulging in the giant fortune cookies and chocolate cake. A security guard comes over and puts plastic wristbands on our wrists and escorts us through the back of the restaurant, up a flight of stairs in the bowels of the hotel and through a back entrance into the club. About a dozen security guards, moving their flash lights, direct us to a roped off section on the dance floor of Tao next to a couple of apparently nude women in a bathtub full of water and rose petals.

James, now wearing sunglasses in the dark club, immediately stands up on the couch and folds his arms high on his chest and nods his head back up and down. He smiles as he looks at the dozens of people crowded on the dance floor. Noticing him, they stop dancing and snap pictures as the DJ screams out, "LeBron James in the building!" and plays LMFAO's "I'm in Miami."

Carter, LeBron's' childhood friend and manager, begins dancing around James like Puff Daddy in a Notorious B.I.G video. A giant red crown-shaped cake is brought over to James while go-go dancers dressed in skimpy red and black outfits raise four lettered placards that spell out, "KING." Carter grabs a bottle of Grey Goose and pours a quarter of it on the floor and raises it up before passing it off.

James' infamous one-hour special, "The Decision," was reportedly the brainchild of Carter, a 28-year-old who has never managed anyone outside of his friend James. This three-day party marathon in Vegas (which James is being paid six figures to host) is also Carter's idea.

Bottle after bottle of "Ace of Spades" champagne is delivered to the table by a waiter flying down from above the dance floor like some overgrown Peter Pan on a wire. One time he's dressed like a King, another time like Indiana Jones and another in an a replica of James' Number 6 Miami Heat jersey.

James, who can hardly see the flying figure through his tinted glasses, almost gets kicked in the head on the waiter's last trip down. He looks at the girls around him and says, "I wish they'd have one of these girls with no panties do that instead of the guy."

Towards the end of the night, Celtics center Glen Davis walks past James' party and looks at the scene up and down several times like a painting in a museum, soaking in the images of the go-go dancers, the "King" sign and the costumed man delivering bottles of champagne.

Davis shakes his head and walks on.

James dances on the couch and sings along with the music blaring from speakers all around him.

The more you hang around James, the more you realize he's still a child wrapped in a 6-foot-8, 250-pound frame. The night after the party at Tao, he and his crew walk through the casino at the Wynn and Encore and he pretends to dribble a basketball as he walks past ringing slot machines and tourists who do double-takes. In a Nike T-shirt, jeans and sneakers, James' pantomime seems unconscious. He stops every few feet to shoot a jump shot, his right hand extended above his head on the follow through. He weaves through a pack of a dozen friends and pretends to connect on a lay-up as he walks past a gift shop. He passes overhead casino signs and jumps up and slaps them, pretending to dunk. Columns covered with advertisements for lounge acts become stationary defenders, chumps to fake out before connecting on imaginary mid-range jump shots.

James probably goes through a practice's worth of shots as we walk from the XS nightclub at Encore (James left his poolside table when he saw the club was practically empty), through Wynn and over the bridge to the Pal***o.

Soon after arriving at Lavo, a restaurant and nightclub at the Pal***o, a scene straight out of West Side Story breaks out when James and Lamar Odom, seated at a nearby table, engage in an impromptu dance-off to California Swag District's "Teach Me How To Dougie."

Odom, smoking a cigar, can't quite keep up. James celebrates by crossing himself and taking a shot of Patron. Moments later, a handful of girls dressed as cheerleaders walk towards his table with someone dressed in James' Heat uniform. Someone throws talcum powder in the air as James does before every game, while his new unofficial song, "I'm in Miami" plays.

Odom casts a glance James' way before looking in the opposite direction and raising his glass at a couple on the dance floor who point to their ring fingers and smile.

Back at his table, James and his crew sing every word to Rick Ross' "Free Mason." LeBron raps every line to former teammate Damon Jones (who played with him in Cleveland) . Jones, puffing on a cigar, nods his head.

James rips out the lines:

"If I ever die, never let it be said I didn't win/
Never, never say/
Never say legend didn't go in/
I just wanna die on top of the world."

While he looks at club-goers flashing the LA and Westside signs at him, he smiles and points to Jackson's T-shirt which reads, "Another Enemy," and raises his glass of champagne.

Finally, Carter tells James it's time to leave the club and they do, LeBron pretending to cross-over tables and shoot over slot machines all the way back to his room.

Isn't it funny how LeBron knows all of the words to the song "Free Mason" by Rick Ross? And people are still trying say that LBJ isn't a Free Mason? Peep the song after reviewing the original evidence. Word.

Then there are the questions of ESPN's legitimacy as a news organization. This one seemingly minor mistake of publishing then spiking a story reveal their intentions as a company. The best analysis on the first day of LBJ's Pull Out-Gate comes from boston.com.

LeBron Sparks Mailbag Comments

Simmons posted some great Mailbag emails from his readers talking about the LeBacle. Here they are:

Q: Right after watching the LeBacle, I couldn't help but imagine Jordan's reaction to the announcement. I picture MJ chilling in a Vegas lounge, and right after Bron Bron uttered the words "I'm taking my talents to South Beach," him taking a puff on a giant cigar, turning to Oak, grinning ear to ear, and smugly saying "What a [derogatory name also used for cats]." And he'd be right.-- Joe, Charlestown, S.C.

Q: What really bothers me about LeBron's decision is the effect it's going to have on the younger generation. Young kids everywhere are going to see this and think that it's better to take the easier road to success instead of taking the chance at being great. If you have a chance at transcendence but it seems just a little too hard or too much for you to handle, then don't go for it. Take the easy road. That's the lesson learned and the trend set for this generation. But then again, this is also the generation that airs out their beef on Facebook/Twitter. This is the generation that could never understand what JFK's quote "We do this not because it is easy, but because it is hard" really means. Hell, this is the generation that thinks the greatest rapper of all time is a Canadian who got famous because he was on a Nickelodeon show. So maybe LeBron's just a product of his time and he's just doing what he thinks is right. But what do I know? Call me old-fashioned, but then again I'm only 21.-- Sopan, New Brunswick, N.J.

Q: Dr. Drew has a theory about the impact of reality TV, and that it has created a generation of people who want to be famous, but don't want to put in the work to develop the skills or talent to be famous. Why study or practice or go to acting school or music school, etc., when you can just get on a reality TV show and be famous instantly? Isn't that theory exactly what we have in LeBron? He wants to be the greatest of all time, he wants to be a global icon, he wants to be the King, yet he has shown no evidence that he wants to put in the work to really achieve those things. Instead of spending this offseason working on developing a low post game, or a midrange offense, he spent his time developing his media machine. He knows the key to being an all-time great is winning titles, but he thinks there is a shortcut to getting there. Why improve your own game and find a way to make everyone around you better, when he can just piggyback on Dwyane Wade to get there.
There is a scene in "Good Will Hunting" where Dr. Lambeau is talking to Will, and says there are only a handful of people in the world who can tell the difference between Will's intelligence and his own. I feel like right now that is LeBron -- talent wise, he is right there with Kobe and potentially he could be right there with the other all-time greats. But this act of his over the last few months is showing us just what that difference is between LeBron and the others.-- Andrew Gordon, Washington, D.C.

Chris Paul is Fcuking Up

Woj fires off another doozie with startling insight. This time, the look is into Chris Paul's quickly deteriorating legacy as he demands a trade from The NOLA Hornets forced by World Wide Wes and those two dicks LBJ and Maverick Carter.

eNjOy

CP3, seriously. Did you not see the LeBacle? Isn't the most toxic thing in free agency at the moment aligning yourself with LBJ's "team" of idiots?

Doc Funk Comments on Dan Gilbert's LeLetter

Please do enjoy hilarious comments from Mr. Comment Master himself, Doc Funk:

And Now: Your Moment of Zen

Enjoy my Nextians. The LeBacle is over and now we can rest until Cohan sells: